Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
