Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
you had me at cake vodka
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
