I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We need to rekindle our bromance
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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