They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
