last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
