You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize