3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
