I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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