On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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