allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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