she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
