If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
