She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Randomize
