I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The power of my boobs compel you
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
