your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize