my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
