all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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