Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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