Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
We smell like vodka and hangover
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