I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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