The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
