Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
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