Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
