the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize