Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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