Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
As shirtless as possible
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
