I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
