Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
