Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
