people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
