Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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