Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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