No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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