sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
