He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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