Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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