I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
