I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
