U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
