please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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