so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
