I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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