I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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