Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My bed smells like the plague
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
