i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
