I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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