So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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