Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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