I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
