my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
