then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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