Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
