My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize