Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
