The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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