I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
