fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Randomize
