thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
