Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
The cops high fived after they tackled you
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
