i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
