I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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