theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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