mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
