I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We were destined to go to rehab together
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
